Busy having fun with my fiance!!!

Well i guess the title explains why no blogs for the last three days... Promise to come back on thursday for some writings!!!

Hope you guys excuse... I am too happy to write anything!!!

Mean People Suck.... Do I Too???

Here is something that happened to me today! I would not want to get into details of whatever happened but its so dis heartening to hear from people say that I suck big time. I heard it twice today. The first one from a colleague and the other one from the personal front. The first one was from the personal front.

The personal one shattered me and may be it reflected on my work and had to take this from the other colleague.

It’s like they telling me "Hey I just took a pain pill. So why the hell are you still here!?"Well sorry.

I have no idea! I am being myself, myself meaning trying hard to be good, not to the extreme that it would drive a person to love me like crazy! What kind of a solution is available anyways? Try verbal abuse? Something better!!! How about a gun? I would love to take it off in a jiffy.

That’s a small post for the weekend! I guess I should feel better for some better posts for the next week.

Cheers!

Handling stress… The Christian way!

Let me begin quoting an instance from the bible

I love how when Jesus called people, they "left everything and followed him". Oh, that we might be willing to do the same. Here we see Simon leave everything and just followed Jesus when he called to be fishers of the mankind. Let’s do an analysis here; Simon was married guy which means he would have his own personal family commitments and responsibilities. So it wasn't like some bachelor guy who could easily drop everything. I couldn’t stop imagining what could have possibly run on Simon’s head when Jesus called him to follow him, RIGHT THERE!

Would he have thought about his wife, his family, and their lives ahead? Can you imagine Simon as he walked into the house that night? I suppose we can use our imagination. We do not know if his wife was very willing, if she was, well and good, but what if she wasn't? Talk about his stress. I’m not sure if he would have done justice to the evangelizations he did.

I began to realize that the best way to handle stress is to be in constant touch with god.,

let me talk about a scenario where Jesus was fully man and also FULLY GOD, and a scenario which I feel he would have been through a tremendous stress of his entire time here in the earth.

I have read this temptation of Christ passage and kind of say to myself "that's nice". If Christ was completely man, well it would have been really tough for him to have overcome these temptations and stress. I don't know about you, but I can barely go four hours without a snack, let alone FORTY DAYS with no food! :) Seriously! When I'm hungry, I'm grumpy, and if someone is showing a pack or biscuit in my face, it's going to take more than my willpower to say no. Jesus was hungry. And He was human. He must have been stressed out. He was able to overcome it only because; he had that quiet personal time with god all those forty days!

Well I repeat myself again,

If I need to quote bible again "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed". Jesus knew that time with the Father was very important. He had handled so many situations with the help of these quiet times he had

If Christ needed that time, how much more do we?Everybody goes through a lean patch in life, could be everyday too. The point is how to overcome it. We have stress at work, home, playing a game, everywhere. I was amazed when I read a stress management article, when it quoted a new born baby in a family is stress!!! To an extent it could be true, but we don’t feel it, is because we celebrate it.

We live our lives or would love to live our lives like our role models. We have role models, because we like them. We believe that they lived a perfect life. To me, Christ is a role model. And I strongly recommend it everybody. Again, I’m not merchandising Christianity here; I’m merchandising the need for our personal relationship with god.

I quoted bible and Jesus is because that’s the only thing I know. And I have a strong feeling that all the prophets who lived in the world would sure had their quite time. They did know how to handle stress, and it’s up to us to learn from them.

Again… If Christ needed that time, how much more do we?

State of mind on writings...

I would love to quote Noam Chomsky here: ‘A real lazy guy who wants to learn and wants to take on this world, can do it, if he manages to write something’

All the reading I do right now are not of dickens or Plato, but that of common men and women. I find myself returning to the same dozen or so blogs every day, and at times I wonder if it is interesting. Is it worth dedicating so much time reading some random writings? I have never met these people. They do not even know that I exist. Yet I can tell you their struggles with relationships, careers, art, spirituality, likes, dislikes. Why do all these people, including me blog? To gain some recognition, a niche, a sense of self?

In the past one year, I have started several blogs of my own. They never lasted long, a few days at the longest. My attention turned elsewhere or I simply grew sick of disclosing my thoughts to you on a daily basis. It's hard work returning to the same web page, to read what one wrote a month earlier in a fit of passion or rage. Oh how tempting it is to edit, rewrite or even delete a post that later seems ridiculous.

But the point of a blogs, I suppose, is to track one's development, to look back and see what fools we happened to be a week ago. It’s a great feeling to realize how good we were are pathetic we were. And it’s even nicer to feel good to know how good we were and to laugh at how pathetic we were. It helps a lot of time to make more rational decisions for the days to come.

To me it’s a great feeling to know that I have learned something, or I have acquired something. Being a trainer, at this point of time in my career, I could contradict whatever I trained a year before, which I believed was true and right. There could be three reasons for it:

1) I have learned better things.
2) The concepts have gone stale.
3) I was a sad trainer.

Whatever it is I don’t want to believe that the third option is right.

Coming back to Writings, I’ve realized it’s a wonderful feeling/learning. I could understand myself better if I document my feeling and to go through it again, when I’m totally in a different state of mind. Most of time I learn more about myself. I never believe that I’ve acquired anything from my school academics. The world was my school and I have learnt so many things here and am still waiting to graduate, and hope I never graduate.

This is exactly my state of mind about writing at this point of time, but chances are I will not and in six months we will laugh at a party about how silly blogs are and wonder why we ever thought to dedicate so much time and energy to them.

Well… Then again it’s all about learning... aint it?

Downsizing...WTF???

Last week was one of the hardest weeks for me, I quite don’t understand the turns and dead end life throws sometimes. It was one of those turns for me and a dead end for most of them in my team. Downsizing my team is what it is all about. I was working with this team from day one it was formed, and I have personally hired some 4 of them in this team, not long ago, a 2 months before and now they want to downsize, I’m okay with this, however there is something I cant understand. Why do you have to hire so many people and fire so many in 2 months??? Are you playing Monopoly??? Buy, sell and rent out places, and your luck is all about what you throw in the dice!!!

It was not a great feeling to sit through those meetings where people count their fortunes and praying hard.

Talking about me, I’m fine, there is no problem for me, except for I have this offer right in front of me, that I could move to a different process to exhibit my skills; they call it a better prospect however I’m really scared to take this turn. It’s more like a blind turn. It’s a little different for me. I have jumped jobs like no mans business, and now I don’t really want to try or do anything different. I have to give an interview now in 2 hrs to know what the outcome is. I’ am brave enough to accept that I have stagnated, big-time!!! May be because my learning is good for the last 4 months, given the fact I have been through a 120 hour training to enhance my skills and involved myself in a lot of training and hiring, exposing me to so many things.

I’m growing old I guess, may be starting to grow old. I don’t dream like the way I used to do because may be I’m matured. I feel those dreams are so unreasonable. I find it absurd to even think to set up a registered company (Maple thoughts) at 22 years and dreaming big about it. Now I feel I can’t even think of setting those ventures at 25 yrs now. Reading jack Welch and Steve jobs does not make you one is something I have understood. And one other thing is that these CEO’s made it big because they never jumped jobs… that is precisely what I want to do, that’s what even Pradeep, My ex manager at DELL, told me when I quit DELL. To an extent he was an awesome guy. I liked the way he used to say “I work with people, not technicians; I work this way because I need to answer my manager, the carpenter from Nazareth”

I don’t want to jump jobs anymore, whatever it is I have molded to myself to stand up and face it, than to chicken out. Started to believe it’s the same everywhere, you can’t keep chickening out every six months!!!

It’s kind of a different feeling right now as I feel I have hit an all time professional low in the last 1 year. So I got to wait for another 5 hours to figure out if I should take that blind turn. Anyways I feel really bad for my team, something which I was part of and was once everything!!!

Again, I’m not against all these corporate fundas and stuff, just that I would love to know if there is a defined way people go about it. Then again, even if there is one what’s the integrity level of the person who does it, or executes it? May be if the integrity level is high, then there is no need to the defined value that I was talking about.

I have molded myself to fight, fight against all odds and non ethical and less integrated people!!! I wish all these lessons I learn and pains I go through would make me an amazing professional some years down the road…

Again, Downsizing??? WTF!!!

Nightmares and Death...

Something is not quite right about them…

Some mornings I wake up to thin sun rays streaming through the blinds....and I lay still, reliving the nightmare I had just had....and it’s a great feeling to know, well it was just a dream, but the heaviness in the heart, still tells you, ‘boy, you are not out of it'

Most of the nightmares are about death, it makes me think, if nightmares are scary, is death such a scary thing? We all know that we do not have a perpetual existence, we all know we would kick the bucket anytime, still why we fear death, Mom says don’t drive fast, we wear seat belts when we drive, a 100 policemen checking if you are drunk at nights when you ride, we try stay away from roller coasters and bungee jumping…a 100 precautions to avoid death.

I kind of got my answer why we fear death some 5 months before, may not be right, but I’m satisfied. We fear death because we love, we love people… we love them so much we don’t want to hurt them. Imagine that you die and you go to heaven or hell, and no body in the world cares about you, they rejoice and if you have a family to support, the get a $1,000,000,000 on your cremation day… how many of you fear death so much? I doubt it.

Coming back to when I got my answer was when I lost somebody in my life. I’ve never been to any funerals till date, and I’ve never lost anyone close to me. But when I lost this friend of mine to a road accident, it was so new and… I don’t know, it was one moment, probably the only moment I would like to change. I was the last person to have spoken to him before he died, I was the last person to have seen him, and I was the last person to share a coffee with him… yeah I was with him 15 minutes before the accident.

And the next time I saw him was in a mortuary. He was looking at me, staring, may be he was not…I don’t know… he knows I like (d) him so much, everybody knows and did… given the kind of person he was I’m sure he wouldn’t have liked us crying, mourning, shattered… I know how it felt… probably ONLY I KNOW HOW IT FELT…

Being the only person to know how it felt… I would never want to give that feeling to anybody…anybody. May be that’s why I fear death, that’s why I hate nightmares… I love my world and my people and I never would want to hurt them by just leaving them.

Sitting in the Office now, the unease is hanging like a halo over me....I don't understand any of it...what is my subconscious trying to say?

Where do these nightmares come from? Something is not quite right about them…

r@nD0M tH0ughT$, wRItiNg$, $cRIbliNg$....

It's time to start writing a new one...

It's always almost time. I was just thinking when I'd be satisfied. I'm always waiting or hoping for something, anything. When will I be content with what I have? Is it my fault? Am I just greedy?

There's room for improvement. I need to improve myself. I think that's why I should keep working... my parents have really given a lot for me. I should help them out.

There's the things I want to do, the places I want to go, the stories I need to write, the people I need to meet, the lives I need to change.... I don't know when I'll actually go out and finish it all. I want to do so much; the one thing that's always been constant for me is my desire to fix things.

I want things to be less complicated. I want equality and high standards. I want people to judge on what's underneath the outward appearance. I've always wanted that.

I'm growing up now and I don't want to. I started school when I was two. All my life I've been stuck trying to act two years older than I am. Those are years I can never have. Now things are changing though. I know I have to just start to mellow out. I'm too stupid or crazy or lazy to do it, but I have to start acting on my own. I need to expand on what's in my life right now.

I need to do a lot of things.This is my life, my story. I have to write it the way I want. I've been wasting time. Procrastination has been my top priority for years. No one would want to read that story. It's boring and bland. Time to change that.

It's time to start writing a new one.

My Gurl!!!

"I always wanted my gurl with the looks of Alicia Silverstone, Lips of Angelina Jolie, Voice of Gwen Stefani and Brains of Indira Gandhi,Charms as of Julia Roberts, I often told my friends. But when I met her who had a Heart like none other, nothing else mattered! God... I Love her so much... "

How long am I gonna wait for the day?

A little bugged at work... and the mood ain't great either!!! meet a lot of people, shake hands with a lot of them, smile plastic... all of them here want to taste the sheer power of dominance, no honesty, no integrity... nothing!!! sheer hunger for the power... and in the quest for survival, you replicate the same...

Oh i wish i could live in a place where there is no hunger for power, all is fair in all it exists, wish i could just go home now and be in my room, just that little light on, and listen to Low Light - Pearl Jam!!! for all who know me, knows thats this is one song that could heal all my wounds and bring so much peace... the interlude solo by Mike Mc reddy, just runs through my vein and to my heart, the 3 odd minuted track takes me to all those place I've been through, all those place which i've never should have been, and the places i'd love to go...

I wish i could leave everything, take my family and go to this place i dream of...

Far far away is a precious place
On the other side of the mountains
Where the trees are tall
And the streams are clear
So I have heard!

Far far away is a beautiful land
On the other side of the ocean
Where the grass is green
And the sky is pleasing blue
So I have heard!

Far far away is a paradise
On the other side of the earth
Where the people are fair
And the beasts are tame
So I have heard!

What I've heard is not what I believe
What I believe is not what I heard
Oh tell me! Tell me when I'll see
All the pretty places I long to be
Oh its so far away

How long am I gonna wait for the day!

Jay.

And this is how the song my fav song goes...

"Low Light - Pearl Jam"

Clouds roll by
Reeling is what they say
Or is it just my way?
Wind blows by, low light
Side-tracked, low light
Can't see my tracks, your scent-way back

Can I be here all alone?
Clear a path to my home
Blood runs dry
Books and jealousy tell me wrong
All I feel, calm
Voice blows by, low light
Car crash, low light
Can't wear my mask, your first, my last

Voice goes by
Two birds is what they'll see
Getting lost upon their way
Wind rolls by, low light
Eye sight, low light
I need the light
I'll find my way from wrong, what's real?
The dream I see

My World and the people who make it!!!

I would love to take a notepad to work, so I can jot down thoughts, rants and miscellaneous stuff. That way I could post a lot of rants about snobs, the various kinds of snobs I come across in my life, ranging from girls who considered it was beneath them to talk their mother tongue lest people think they were not 'cool' to guys who thought they were special because they listened to Kurt Cobain or Metallica, to guys who thought they were the true Tamilians because they listened to nothing but Tamil songs and watched nothing but the most awful Tamil movies(these people are the best that I have seen).

Let me start with girls who do not speak Tamil, even though it happened to be their mother tongue, the language they happened to speak at home. I believe the point of language was communication, not making a statement on how cool you were or how good your accent is. The best part of them is when they try and negotiate stuff with an auto driver, or with a woman selling some random stuff.

Getting back to our snobbish girls, this is how it worked. There always was a clique of girls who thought it was cool to speak English and thought it even cooler to exhibit the fact that they were reading the latest Sidney Sheldon. For reasons beyond me, the latest novel these people were reading would never be inside a bag. It would be stuck to their hands where everyone could see it. I used to go gaga over this girl when I joined college, I used to see her in the bus and she was carrying ‘return of the native – Thomas Hardy’ on the first day I saw her, it was with her till she finished college!!! Later I realized that she was carrying it keep stuffs inside and to “cover her” when she walks (rude? Well this is so typical of our Chennai girls!)

Normally one did not have to notice this far or even come close to it. But when Harry Potter was released in India, these snobs had to take it upon themselves to let everyone know that they were reading Potter and how this made them 'cool'. I cannot believe I derived pleasure from watching such silly things.

And the other extreme is the so-called Tamil freaks, a few people I encounter everyday, who say that me listening to hard rock and heavy metal all the time is so "un-tamil"!!. All I can say to these jokers is that I know more about Tamil culture and books than these jokers and also that I can pronounce so many tamil names better than they do and recite more poems them most of the so called tamil lovers…

More on the other snobs later, especially the faith based ones later.

On the notepad, I think I stand a better chance of putting my thoughts to words when I am physically writing them down. Need I add that my spelling is only going to improve? I cannot wait to get started. Start writing!

God, I hate blogs like mine…

Why write unless you're going to be honest… a colleague of mine at work asked me today! And a few friends of mine tell me blogging is a waste of time, and only jobless people do it!

For my friends who believe blogging and writing is a waste of time:

I’ am really amazed by your lifestyle guys… its just so awesome the way you utilize you time, I wish I could use my time as productive as yours, I realize I’m so jobless to blog, but unfortunately I can’t make use of my time as productive as you could, so till I be in you league and understand the importance of time, and till I find a good job like you all, please excuse.

And to another friend who said “Why write unless you're going to be honest?”

The problem here is that honesty often equals whining. I'm not talking about a political writing where the author's attempt is to sit high on his horse, staging Republicans or Democrats, sounding as knowledgeable as they can, as better as they can, while only proving that they've read just one more biased new release than I have. Nor am I talking about the writings (blogs) those talks about religion. Or as often I see a lot a writings (blog) that talks about themselves, their routines. “I woke up today…my day was bad, I brushed with Colgate Gel… blah blah blah…”

Again, why write unless you're going to be honest? To the contrary, I would ask, why write if you're only going to show too much of your wooziness. No one likes a whiner. Then what to write?

I believe a good honest writing hit that emotional chord in all of us, and that’s when you become interesting, that’s when you sell. All of the concepts that were sold to you will have something personal that would have hit that emotional chord inside you.

I'm talking about a writing that shows how much we are the same page, while at the same time delivers fresh details that none us could experience without having read the writing.

But the problem is that not all of them are in the same page, if everybody would be in the same page, and then there would be only one type of writing that would have been hit. There would not have been so varied type of writing and various authors to pen them down. Then again, if somebody likes a certain author, I believe that there was something in his writing that had hit that emotional chord, if you don’t like him them, then the writing failed to hit the same.

It’s so similar to the priorities of the genre of music we like and the types of movies we prefer. Sometimes it depends on the state of mind.

Keeping in mind, this emotional aspect in reading and writing, I usually don’t care as to who likes my blog or not. If you don’t like it may be there is nothing that striked your emotion as you and I are not in the same page, if you like it, you’ll continue to like it.

I firmly believe a good writing would show how much we are the same page, while at the same time delivers fresh details that none us could experience without having read the writing.

Honestly, I’m trying to achieve that, till then…

God I hate blogs like mine, so could you.

Me and Motion Pictures...

I love movies, I just love them! I don’t know how long I would type, but its all about my love for them. I loved movies right from my childhood days. Dad used to take us for a lot of movies; I remember a lot of the movie outings so afresh, right from when I was 4. And when I grew up, like when I was around 8 I owe it to my uncles who took me for movies, I could say I was the only one in my class who would have seen ‘The Ten Commandments’ ‘Omarmukhtar’ ‘Two Missionaries’ ‘The Five Men Army’ 'The Guns Of Navorone’ and these kinda classics at the 3rd grade in school. I would hardly understand the dialogues still managed to understand the movie or at least the gist of it.

I would throw a tantrum at home if my brother goes for a movie leaving me behind; still I missed a few of them. I don’t know how many kids today enjoy watching classics. These movies were not just entertainment to me, of course I enjoyed them, but the most I enjoyed was the story telling sessions at school about the movies, and the pride I used to carry, on the attention I get for the same reason.

My kinds of movies are the ones that are either emotional or practical. When I was in my teens I enjoyed a lot of old regional movies like, Azhiyatha kolangal, Johnny, Varumayin niram sivappu, moodu pani and so on. I never enjoyed those romantic and the action packed masala movies which were block busters, I enjoyed only these emotional ones. Azhiyatha Kolangal tops my chart in my all time favorite regional movies. This movie had almost everything in it, Love, comedy, emotions and everything…Pratap pothen and Shoba were my favorite artist then. Again, I don’t know how many teens at the year 95 would have favored them.

There was an interesting point of time when I started watching a lot of English movies. My bro went out of station for his studies, and every time he comes home, we make it a point we go for a movie, most often the late night ones. Satyam complex was the destination most of the time. We loved movies and the ride back home in the middle of the night, and we would have talked almost everything under the sun during those rides. The sad part was that he would leave the same morning, and I wait for him to come back for the movies and those rides. We watched a lot of movies, a few real good ones like ‘Seven’ ‘Fallen’ ‘Romeo and Juliet’ ‘The Count of Monte Cresto’ ‘the brave heart’ and so on. We continued it even after he came back to Chennai…till he got married!

There is another best buddy called Farish, with whom I have watched a lot of movies. When we finished school, we decided that we meet up every Sunday in a movie hall and watch a movie; we thought it was so cool then! And I just cant forget the way we rode after watching ‘Jingle all the way’ Assuming that I was the turbo man character in that movie. Gosh! It was so funny.

Satyam complex is one place that I would have visited more than any other places in Chennai. I still do at least once every fortnight. I love the crowd and the ambience and not to forget the butter popcorns and the larger size Pepsi’s. And that’s a place where I bump into many of my friends whom I would love to see and a few from whom I try to hide!

Sometimes I have watched some amazing ones accidentally in the television. That’s were I first saw my all time favorite – ‘The Shawshank Redemption' and a few other good ones like ‘Now and Then’ ‘That Thing You Do’ ‘The Devil’s Own’ and ‘American Beauty’. These are a few movies which I saw unplanned, and I just watched them accidentally, and I fell in love with them, and are all in my all time favorites lists. And I’ve also seen a few good French movies (subtitled English) late nights in TV5


Off late for the last 2 years it’s all in DVD’s. Thanks to all the cheap pirated versions we get here. They help me watch everything I missed, For instance I watched ‘The Day of the Jackal’ and ‘psycho’ just last week. Like I said in my previous blog, I’m not much of a book lover but I get to see them in movies like ‘Wuthering Heights’ ‘Sense and Sensibility’ ‘The Day of the Jackal’ and so on.

When I think about it, I see that my love for the movies has never dropped all this while. I still hang out in Satyam and still buy DVD’s and still watch at least one movie in a week. A lot of people would say it’s a waste of time to watch a movie for 150 minutes, well it could be, However if you ask me, I would say movies are not just entertainment for me, it’s something more. I get inspired by William Wallace in Brave Heart; I learnt Patience and determination from Andy’s character in the Shaw Shank Redemption, Lester in American beauty showed the harsh realities of life. Forrest Gump, Detective Miles in Seven, Oscar in the Schindlers list, Antwone Fisher and Kamal Haasan in Mahanadhi, All of them are characters, so real, from whom I learnt things, with whom I’ve laughed and cried…

Movies are so close and very personal to me or let me finish saying I’m so close to movies… I love movies, I just love them!

Book Shop Memories...

I'm not much of the reading types, but some how if I get to like a certain book, or an article or any piece of literature for that matter, I would fall in love head over heals and this Book Shop Memories is one of them. It happened to be in my 12th grade English prose book, it was a different lesson compared with the others in that book, there was a lot of personal touch in it.

After a while, after years when I started exploring internet, and when I started reading literature in the net, I happened to read it again... It was so different, probably it caught my attention and love for it may be because I was nostalgic, however, this is one interesting essay I would say, I’m not trying to judge the language used or the way it was narrated. I at a point (I would have read it so many times) started wondering if Orwell ever worked in a book shop? And reading more about him I figured the answer, No!

It makes me wonder how he could have wrote it so well without working in a book shop, You have a lot of pages to write and explain a character if you write a fiction, but this guy brings all the characters right in front of your eyes in a one sentence description! He analyzes common people along with Dickens, Thackeray, Jane Austen, Trollope etc every character he talks about, he makes sure he convinces they exist.

The essay is about a second hand book shop in London, but I have seen these kinds of people in my life here in Chennai. And so common that we see various sidelines jobs in most of these small shops here. (I can’t help laughing when I think about all these small shops selling reliance phones when it was launched!)

Second hand book shops and in Chennai Lending libraries are of course, memories to a lot of people. I remember my Bro going to these book shops. I’ve seen him feverishly reading Regional comics and graduating to reading Ponniyin selvan, Aristotle and Plato, I still envy him spending so much time on Sundays reading books when I try to swap TV channels for nothing! And it also reminds me of another close friend who would read Sheldon in the 8th grade, all from second hand bookshops. I’m sure they have great memories about them and they would thank for such an existence.

I was more of a Want to be ‘Kapil Dev’ kids and would compromise for a bottle of ‘Gold Spot’ to a book; hence my visits to book shops were very limited! (I regret) But had a great love towards ‘Tinkle’, that’s the only thing I would pick up there when I go with my bro, and I haven’t graduated much from there, I still borrowed ‘Tinkle’ from a kid when I was traveling from Bangalore to Chennai.

This essay impressed me so much that at 24 I started reading literature… I finished
Spilling The Spanish Beans, Mark Twain The Licensed Jester, Future Of A Ruined Germany and Why I Write, by the same author in the same day. Thanks to Orwell, as it helps me a lot in the kind of industry and profession that I ‘am in. I feel so good when I talk about literature the little I know, and give examples from them in class.

And I wish I had a lot of bookshop visiting memories…nevertheless its never late. Thanks to George Orwell and his unpleasant Book shop Memories!

What to Rant?

You've decided to rant, what to rant is a big bloody deal, to start with I’ll rant about rant. Rant = to talk in a noisy, excited, or declamatory manner!!! This page is mine, I can talk loud about what i want to and its all mine, so I’m gonna rant hence forth about stuff i see, and i feel and experience and think about. Okay...here it goes.

I was spending a lot of time playing my guitar today which i just got a week before, man it’s a great feeling when you could just get a song right. Tried playing Matchbox 20, pearl jam, Cold play and Foo fighters...Was lucky to get Foo fighters right, i could play " I'll be coming home next year" now, all the others i tried were failure. I used to sing along when i Play, now my voice sucks, cant hit high notes, can sing low, as i was never able to(I Go Godammn Off) Thanks to all the smoking... and to get my voice back is something i would trade anything for, I dunno how, wish I could sing "Wasting Love" "Given To Fly" "Man On The Edge" the way I used to... :(

All I could say is its comes as an inspiration to quit smoking, something I've been fighting for quite sometime. let me see how it goes this time. I know I have to at some point of time, so just taking the effort now, an honest one.

Also the guy in the gym who trains me for the last two days said its no use me going there unless i quit smoking, even occasionally, hence to keep fit and for the love of the music, I take an honest effort.

Something which caught me thinking today: Eric Clapton was singing "Tears in Heaven" in VH1...and it was beautiful with all the emotions...and his voice was jus awesome something any music lover would trade for...what’s there to think about it eh? GRHHHHHHHHHHHH... HE WAS SMOKING!!!

More to come.....