Scribblings at 4 in the morning...

Well, I just couldn’t get any sleep today after 3 in the morning…I’ve been trying hard to get back to sleep, no go! so gave up at 4 and turned on my comp and after the routine checking mails and logging inno messenger, started to read some random blogs… didn’t really help.

I’m still in this confused state of mind as to whats in store for me at work this month, I have completed a year in the current organization that I am working with. Our review policy is that I rate myself in various aspects of my position along with my manager. I knew from the start this was to be a joke.

What, am I gonna give myself poor scores? Of course I am outstanding, one of the company's finest, So I believe! And my manager better believe it too…

I had great dreams about this current appraisal not long ago, just weeks before, now its all gone! I know it for a fact that I would not be get my deserving, longwaited promotion! There are so many bloody reasons for it, so many guys…

I don’t want to get into the reasons why this is a dead end job where I am underappreciated offlate and retaliated against…

But it always seems there could be a light at the end of my tunnel of doom, when I receive email’s like these…

Good Afternoon,

I found your resume on ‘Naukri’ and I am very interested in speaking with you further. I am recruiting for a fortune 500 BPO, in Chennai, bangalore, hyderabad and pune and your skill set looks perfect for the position they are looking at. Please call me at your earliest convenience. My number is ……

I look forward to hearing from you.

Nice Lady
Senior HR Consultant
Nice Company
Nice phone number
Nice email address
Nice company url

Really nice. Perhaps putting that resume on Naukri wasn't the stupidest thing I ever did, I thought. I would love nothing more in this world than the feeling that I’m gonna have a better paid and a better designated job!

Then I call the nice lady of that nice company, she would say nothing but, could you please forward your resume to my mail adr xyxyxyxy@wrwrw.com? (but I thought you guys shortlisted me after viewing my resume?) then I realize that the mail has got nothing to do with my skills sets or whatever, it was just some random mail from a random consultant which all my collegues and every tom, dick and harry in my city had received!!! (daaah, the worst part is that all my friends deleted the mail, didn’t care much about it, but I was the only joker to have called that random consultant hoping for a bloody miracle!)

Anways, so it goes… I seriously hope that get a good, high paid job that I really could write or talk about some thing else in this blog and not to bore you guys to death, hahahahaaaaa…

The only thing which keeps me motivated and makes me enjoy this moment is the prints on my T shirt I’m wearing right now…

have a look…

I love(d) the sound of crashing guitars!!!!

Been thinking a lot lately about people I knew and People I've lost contact with but think of often.

Thinking about people I know now who aren't having a very good time, not doing well but used to do very well when I knew them.

These are one of the few moments that I realize that I feel real sad and sober and and my heart feel a little heavy. I realized that everytime I take a walk in my memory lane, which is filled with so many people and so many things which are so close to my heart, I would love some nice alternative band like Cold play, Nirvana, Pearl Jam or Foo Fighters to lend me their music as soundtracks for my thoughts. It would suit perfectly well.

When I’m really down, when I hate the world I would love some Iron maiden...” A lonely cry for help, reaching out for help from anyone, a silent prayer to god to help me on my way” when I’m depressed I go to Metallica’s – Mama Said, I love to go to these rockers who sing about pain and misery. They ease it off, I guessed.

My ears would bleed with Iron maiden’s – “Why then is god still protecting me, even when I don’t deserve it?

Now a little matured (I guess) I think about it… So many of my mortal gods of rock screech about being in pain, the misery of life, the wounded heart, the crying soul…. but they've barely scratched the surface. The rockers who scream of pain are not like me, trying to meet ends, they are millionaires.

Knowing this too well now why am I still able to relate to them so well and where is the connection? Where is the depth? Where is the mystery? I hear all these "painful" songs suddenly feel we're all one in our collective pain!

I don’t know again… I really don’t know, I would have to quote mettallica to express my feeling… “SAD BUT TRUE!!!”

The Shame Vs Guilt way of living!

This was an interesting topic that we discussed when I attended a training workshop hosted by my American manager. The concept was new to me, rather the topic and the way he portrayed was new.

It goes this way, in the shame way of living, if you commit a sin it is ok as long as you don’t get caught. In guilt way of living you go by your conscience. You feel bad and horrible if you commit something wrong in the guilt way of living.

I do not know which one is better. I personally believe that is there is nothing in the world that you should fear, and there is nothing in you life you should regret and feel bad. Living in guilt is something that I can never agree on. You screw up somewhere at some point of your life, and I for sure believe that at that point of time you know you are screwing up and you still go ahead and do it, and when all is done you think about it and crib or feel bad about it for the rest of you life. Well, I know what is it to live a life filled with guilt and shame, I’ve been through it for a good amount of time in my life, God it’s horrible!

Instead of feeling guilty about things, isn’t it better you just come out of it, take it as an experience, and try your best not to do it again? That way it would ensure that you don’t have to live a life of guilt as well as you are trying your best that you will not repeat it again.

Its been a couple of months after the training is over and all the while I have been thinking which kind of living was good, sometimes I feel it’s the guilt culture as its more ethical, however being the kind of a person, I never would appreciate to live a life with guilt. Sometimes I feel it’s the shame culture that is better but it definitely is less ethical, however it is well suited for the modern day living, it helps you cope up with all the competitions and the pressures around you.

After all the thinking I did this is what I feel, if we fail somewhere at some point of time in our lives (come on we all know to err is human!) we need to realize that we screwed up, and make an effort not to do it again, we never should feel guilty about anything, nobody is perfect (remember the scripture where Jesus scribbles in the sand when the elders tried to stone a prostitute woman?) Yes, nobody is perfect, one of the apostles was not too… hence we are no inferior to anybody. Hence I feel there is nothing to be bogged down about.

Guilt should be replaced with realization, its important we realize our mistakes, it’s important we decide what to do after we realize. If you still continue to go with it what you have been doing, then why feel guilty? Realization should only make you feel happy, because you try your best not to repeat you err, and it should not make you feel horrible to an extent that you hate yourself, It’s not worth it, our lives are precious and beautiful,

Yes, our lives are precious and beautiful; it is not worth it to feel guilty to an extent to hate ourselves…beg to differ?

Yahoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My blog has been picked up by yahoo... when you type Jay thoughts or Jay rants my blog is displayed.... I' am excited!!!! Appreciating this I'm not gonna use google for a while and do all my searches in yahoo... Gratitude eh?

Masked lives...

When can we live in a world free from masks???

Looking at my own life, I strongly believe that everyone in this world is living with a mask on. We never see the true self of others, or may be we never want to show our true face to others. Not just the others, most of us are afraid of facing the real us. Isn't it ironic that we are living in a world that is not so real after all?

I see a lot of people, who wear a smile mask, a sorry face mask, always tensed mask, it’s something which we pick up when we grow up? I don’t know how we all pick it up, inspired by somebody? I don’t have a clue. I really don’t have!

For me to write about it is because I have a confession to make. I wear a mask too. Always being someone who seems to be happy in life; I must say I'm living behind a mask. I realize I wear this mask all the time, me at home, at work, with my friends, with my fiancé every where I go and everybody I be with. I wear this mask telling the whole world that I have no complaints about anything. I wear this mask so often that we feel so comfortable and don’t even realize that I don’t even wear one, and only when it itches I realize.

I always believed happiness is meant to be shared but not sadness. It sometimes is dis heartening when you want to share your happiness, there are people who will be negative about it, saying you are such a show off!!! Well may be I show off because I have something to show and if you don’t have anything to freaking show… well let me be polite… bugger off!!! It’s a different topic all together to blog about.

And at times, when my mask itches I say to myself “Not that it is not bad” because I just can't bear to bring sadness to people around me. I remember telling someone that why I shouldn’t affect people with my sadness therefore, I always put on a smile mask. This is something my fiancé fights with me most of the time when something seriously goes bad. She screams “Why can’t you just open up and share it with me?” and my standard answer is “I don’t know… I really can’t do it!” I believe my troubles are mine and will never involve people in it because they shouldn’t be troubled of my troubles as they would have their own fair share of troubles to deal with… I guess

And the other reason is I hate to advices especially if I’m on the receiving end. They never help! It just puts me off sometimes.

Well, if you ask me does it help? End of the day, it doesn't help me in chasing that sadness away; the worst result is that it actually deepen the sadness in me.

With so many exaggerated people around faking themselves, like me, how can we know what's real. It will be even funnier if we say that it is definitely real, when we can't be certain that we are real ourselves.

It would be so judgmental and naïve of me to say that we all should strive or work toward living a mask free life, because these masks have become the one like the oxygen ones to us, it’s a harsh reality, hence all I could hope is…

When can we live in a world free from masks???

The Birds and the Cuckoo's nest!!!

Last Sunday I was my usual, couldn’t get sleep, so at 1 in the morning I decided to watch a movie. I chose to watch Alfred Hitchcock’s – ‘Birds’. It was an okay movie definitely not any better than the other two Hitchcock’s movie I saw last week, ‘The Psycho’ and ‘The Marnie’. It was a pretty lengthy movie and it ran till 3:30 in the morning.

The movie was filled with birds, as the story line is that all the birds in this place called Bodega Bay, near San Francisco attacks the children and the entire town. It wasn’t scary; however there were too many birds, especially Sea gulls and Crows. The movie was filled with the birds! Birds screaming and the feathers cluttering…birds, a 1000’s of them.

So I went to bed at around 4 in the morning and obviously my dreams were filled with birds too. There were lots of birds in my dream. And I was able to hear a Cuckoo singing amidst of all the crows and sea gulls, and the sound was so nice and pleasant, I knew it was a dream, but the Cuckoo’s song was so real.

Then I woke up in the afternoon and I opened the window in my room…well it was not a dream. There weren’t so many birds outside my window like in the movie, but there was a Cuckoo!!! There was a Cuckoo’s nest in one of the trees outside my window, with two eggs.

Well, I don’t know… it was nice!!!














Here is the picture of the Cuckoo’s nest from my window…

And I sincerely hope my Attrocious dog let those poor things there for a while!!!

Career, Challenges and Learning...

Career-wise, I am not really happy. I have basically reached where I want to, something I planned 2 years before and I really don’t know where to go from now. This is not good for me, as I get easily bored. What to do, what to do....I chose to become a Trainer 2 years. I was a marketing guy selling books to electric shavers, event management guy, working for a start up event Management Company, head hunter, a big time failure and then settling to be a call center executive. That’s when I realized that I would have to grow up. So, I did a bunch of research into where the biggest demands were and came up with being a trainer.

Don't get me wrong. I work at a great firm and I love (for the most part, anyway) the people I work with. I have been here a year now and into training for over some year and a half and can pretty much do whatever it is that I want in training. I guess I have learnt enough that I could live with no constraints professionally, dealing challenges with a great ease.

The problem is that the challenge that I thirst for is pretty much gone and I am not pretty much in the upper limit in the salary department. Sure, I may get a Rs. 20%month raise this year, and maybe next, but after that who knows??? Also, living in what is arguably in an expensive environment doesn't help.

So, I need a new career, a new job that would have a lot of challenges and would help me make some more money

Ideas:

?????????????????

Skills:

Great manager/Trainer of other peoples' lives
Fabulous inter-personal skillsExtremely creative
Loves challenges
Loves to keep the learning curve at a soaring high

Dream Job:

Senior Executive in some huge corporate where I get to manage a project, impart training, sell concepts etc. and am entitled to great perks such as wardrobe allowance, company cars and mobile phone bills, a corporate credit card, my own secretary to take care of boring stuff like filing, managing schedules and also paid-for Blackberry

I really dunno, I need a new career, I need challenges, the thirst is there in me to achieve but am not really sure if I am capable. But I have always proved my potential where ever I worked, that’s the only booster. Let’s see how time takes me professionally…

I know with this thirst and desire I would get my dream job sometime, but I dunno how long its gonna take, but I’m sure its gonna take a real long time.

Till then… I’ll do anything to keep the fire inside me alive and burning.

No searching for photo's... I guess!!!

I have got myself a new phone where I could take photos as well as upload them to my computer, that way i could upload them in my blog too... so i guess, I could post a lot of pictures related to the writing on my own, than looking for them in the internet. This is my fist upload, lets see how it works... Its me @ work :)

A few pages in life...

I was just thinking about this...there are so many small, simple things that can make/keep anyone happy. Only that each person could realize the happiness.

There are so many such things which amuse us, excite us so much that we can easily forget anything that 'would' have been troubling us!

As i was going through another blog.. there was a snap he had posted of a lady sitting on the sea shore and reading a book.. wow! that would be one of the best places to read a book.... this thought made me think of all the many things that i like.. and it ended up being a this BLOG.

so many things around might interest you. From the start of the day… through the day, till the end….every aspect of the day/of your life has a beauty of its own…

The rays of the sun through the windows of your room while you are just trying to get the last minutes of your sleep, and you wake up realizing you had an amazing dream and smile to yourself before asking mom for a coffee

A nice hot cup of coffee/tea in the morning, rejoicing it by sipping it reading the newspaper.

Smell of rain, the freshness around, the sight the plants /tress all washed green when you wake up in the morning on a bus journey

Meeting friends on a Saturday evening un planned, and you talk about non sense and everything under the sun and the continue to talk for the rest of the night… and you bid bye to them and the ride back home, wow! To me its a great feeling!

My adorable dog

I feel it all lies in the realization that the most common things can make you smile.Some fond memories are somethings which make me smile and help me forget my troubles.

Celebrating one of those friendship days with my friends during my first year college would be the best. I think about it and feel good, I believe my friends are one the best things that god has blessed me with.

The day when me and my mom lived alone, she suggessted that we have dinner in the open terrace… that rates high.

Helping dad in one of his routines, or any of the family issues and he looking at me thankfully, without words but just sheer expressions is something that I would trade the world for.

Bro… Wow unlimited versions of these nostalgic moments, the late night movies, the board games, those talks about music, the world, religion, faith… everything is so close to the heart.

Years ago when I was alone in my room and I got to see a picture of my girl friend, and deciding… Man, she is your girl, The search is over!!!

The list can go on and on…

I dunno, but I fell these things mould a man as to what he is. I care for, respect people and love the world, enjoy life is because it reminds me of people and things and the memories that are so fond. Again, I feel it all lies in the realization that the most common things can make you smile.

I hope that I keep this kid at heart alive to experience and rejoice these simple things in life and keep memories alive!