Looking Forward...

Here I come Kathmandu... Show me those good times again!

Ahem!

Guess Who The Hell is Back in Business

ME! Ting!

In Search Of The Key To The Past

My life since then is empty. I don't know what it is that's missing - a dream? a memory? - actually, it's like the memory of a dream. I know I've forgotten something, and the vaguest hints of it that I get sometimes are enough to stir my soul.

What I've lost was important to me, precious to the point that living without it
seems pointless. It's totally removed from my life, yet the brief almost-tastes of it I get are more real than reality. At night, in my dreams… whatever it is keeps calling to me, with its little tantalizing hints. But I've never quite been able to reach it, or even figure out what it is.

Maybe it makes me a bad person, or maybe it's the logical extension of my desire, but I know with sudden clarity that I would give anything in my power to find out what I've lost. I'd give my life if, before I died, I could get back what's been taken from me.

What was the start of all this?

When did the cogs of fate begun to turn?

Perhaps it is impossible to grasp the answer now, from deep within the flow of time..

But, for a certainly, back then, we loved so many, yet hated so much, we hurt others and were hurt ourselves..

Yet even then, we ran like the wind, whilst our laughter echoed, under cerulean skies.

Disgrace - The Movie!

Disgrace is based on J.M. Coetzee's prize winning novel. Disgrace is a confronting and brutal tale of our lives... to be specific to the movie, the South African Post Apartheid life. The message is clear. There are no simple solutions!

David Lurie has had several wives but he "wasn't made for marriage." A womanizer, a sensualist, at 52 he's losing his physical attraction; he's looking old. Even his Malay prostitute lets him go. He forces himself upon Melanie Isaacs (Antoinette Engel), a mixed-race student in his romantic poetry class. When they have sex, she turns away as if repelled, but she submits. He's found out and threatened by Melanie's boyfriend, yelled at by her father, boycotted by the students, and at an administrative hearing he's so unrepentent he ends by being forced to leave the college. He goes to the Eastern Cape where his lesbian daughter Lucy has recently been abandoned by her lover. She grows flowers and vegetables she sells in the local market, and she arranges for David to help Bev (Fiona Press), a middle-aged lady whose animal shelter work consists primarily of euthanizing unwanted dogs. In and out of the property he now shares with Lucy is Petrus (Eriq Ebouaney), an almost mythically neutral, philosophical black man who owns land there and is gradually taking over, but who also made Lucy's garden land arable.

Then enters the outside horror. Three young black men appear when Lucy and David are returning from a walk and ask to use her phone. They invade the house, rape Lucy, nearly kill David, and shoot all Lucy's dogs, wrecking the interior of the house and stealing David's car. One pours a bottle of methyl spirits over David and sets fire to him, locking him in the bathroom.

This sequence, I guess ,should be more powerful than the book. After his arrogance, to see Malkovich cowering beside a toilet bowl with his face burned is unforgettable. Eventually he returns to Cape Town and cowers before Melanie's family, asking forgiveness. It's not quite believed, but it's as much of a transformation as such a man is capable of. But it's Lucy's response that's more important: she refuses to report the crime, and refuses to leave. She cooperates with Petrus, who defends the youngest perpetrator. He turns out to be family, the son of his new wife's sister. He says it's over. Reconciliation. In fact, the attack may not have been so random.

David says it'll never be over and will be passed on to those who come long after them. This may be an endgame. But they were born here and they remain. The important thing is that Lucy stays, and so does David, after returning to Cape Town to apologize -- and be serviced by a prostitute.

The film, like the book (Like I'm told) is about humiliation, suffering, enduring. It's about sexuality and about living with other beings, other animals.

Viewers who don't find Disgrace "real" astonish me, though people and events are symbolic as well as specific, always richly both, and always simple and complex. David sleeps with Bev to please her, because she's lonely, and she wants it. Of course it's the sort of good deed that pleases him, but there is humility in it, as is his help, however unenthusiastic, with the animals. Malkovich's arrogance becomes complex because the most vivid images in the film are the ones of him cowering and afraid.

Disgrace is a film for smart people. It's as tightly coiled and thought-provoking as the review, and nearly as good.

Mind Flushing!

How scary could middle age be? I guess no one is spared that fear, the one of being left behind in a mindless race that is heading nowhere.

“Although I can never seem to understand,
Within these unoccupied moments are the curses of indecisiveness
Which devour upon this good man, my potential and intellect, if there’s any,
Until I'm left ushered to the hands of fate entirely,
Devoid of a spirit or ability anymore –
A lethargy that takes the better part of me,
Leaving me in a state of refractoriness and a loner
So terrible that it completely devours me, within these confines of seclusion”

- Jay

Clinging to that extra minute!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

O yeah!

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my SOUL.

Regrets... no regrets???

The roads are remarkably bad now. They are more like multi-lane dirt paths that people drive ridiculously fast on until their cars break (which they do often). There are no signs! So I stop every day to ask if I am on the right path. Given how remarkably bad the road is, I guess it should not be a surprise.

There are very few bridges, so I drive through streams and small rivers a lot. The surprising thing is I’ve traveled like this for many a days now!

Something in July!

www.helicesmag.com

A small step for me.... A giant leap for me!!!!

Seek it!

All of us are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.

Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love.

Random Introspection!

There is great romance attached to the work I do; make no mistake about that.
You see I got to thinking about this yesterday night as I suffered from lack of sleep, staring into the Fridge, lying on my couch.

Yep, I've given up a salary with all the security and status that goes with it to do what Iam doing. There are no riches here. There is no reward.

In our country, almost in all temples each day small parcels containing rice, incense, flowers and the like are piled up before statues of gods. Small daily offerings made in the hope that the gods will smile upon them. That prosperity, good health and wealth will be theirs. We all do this in some way, I believe. I, for example, used to offer up my work with my trainees as a gift to the gods. Pray I make some difference. Hope I offer inspiration. Pray for guidance.

Sometimes we think of these acts, these offerings and prayers as sacrifices too.

I know I have touched a few lives, am glad! am happy! not a lot of them could say it "I've touched Lives"

But the truth that why Iam happy is that I beleive that the riches are contained within my journey. The search for the Holy Grail is the prize. Each move, each insight, each mystery I unlock is the reward. The intensity of my experience is the reward. And, when I truly breathe, I remember this. When I take a step back and see how far I've come it takes my breath away and I cry out to myself. This is my reward. There is no sacrifice.

I am fortunate! It is a wonderful gift.

Countdown T-15 days

Life... ugh. Emotions, thought, feelings, it's all so complicated. It seems especially so for me, and especially lately. But I think I'm getting better at being me and taking a look at and into myself, and coming to conclusions. We'll see where I end up.

I am coming up with a new lifestyle magazine, Helices in less than two weeks. It's so scary and exciting at the same time. Man. I’ve wanted to do this for 6 years and while I am at it I bloody well do it well. Forget all the groundwork, I have to launch it in 15 days...That's so ducking soon, and it's so ducking scary. And I can't wait!!

Right now I’m experiencing some severe bumps in the career road and I'm working on proving things to myself and I think I’m making steps in the right direction, but it's hard to tell. Its hard for me to read my own decisions sometimes. I look forward to seeing how this venture would turn out.

The last few days has been very low key. But it's been good. It's given me time to really work. Sometimes that's so much better than getting drunk in a bar! It's also given me a LOT of time to relax, take it easy, and have some introspection. Which has been nice, and (I think) very helpful.

I have quit smoking and it has been a couple of weeks now. The Nico withdrawal is really bad than I expected migraines, anxiety, anger... Gosh! I hope I never touch that stick again.

My life is a roller coaster. Scary, up and down, exhilarating, exciting, and unpredictable. You just never quite know where you're going or where you'll end up.

mmmmmmmP!

My heart goes for Eelam, My brains with Ceylon

Fuck LTTE, Fuck Prabhakaran... but somebody has to answer for what ever is happening there. If you have your opinion you can keep it to yourself, cause they are like A##h)(*&S.... everybody has got one, I dont want to see yours on this! where is all the seemans and the vaikos and the dmk's and nedumarans... OMG the election is over!

Money and power always does break human spirits if they want to and the suppressed will only be victims! they chose Ranil over Rajpakse!

Aryans will only keep doing that! Sonia Wins!

Revolution will always end, lives would be lost. spirits would be broken! Tmils are going to live happily in Vanni and Mankulam!

Lavish urbanites will never relate to this! LTTE is a terrorist outfit, so say my urban friends!

There will be a 100 people with thier opinions about things that they hardly know! 13 assasinations is greater than 1,000,000,000 civilian killings!

where is all the seemans and the vaikos and the dmk's and nedumarans... OMG the election is over!

"Jump, but do take a look".

I heard it mentioned in a movie, I can't remember the title, but have become a mantra in my life. My mind drifted today to some very bad choices and decisions I have made in life. I do not exactly dwell on such thoughts, but today it stuck on my mind. Maybe I am getting old. But it is not the "getting old thought" that struck me most. It is that, I seemed to attract even the most unwanted person in this planet.Oh, that is such a bad thought!Anyway, decisions are like the inviting ocean down a cliff. I, from up above would want that dive of a lifetime! But before doing the plunge, I have all the time to think (twice or more). Then the thought that I made the decision to jump, should be my sole responsibility. Not the ocean, nor the other accessories.To make myself feel good I read some blogs. I listened to Music, I looked at the pictures I have in my laptop; I had a lift instantly.

Yes, I have to get over this melancholic mood and do lots of work!

Earlier today, my ever dearest loving son was so generous of his kisses and hugs. I woke him up, gave him a nice shower, brushed his teeth, took him in the car, took him to my moms place, drove back, slept next to him and he went off to sleep and then I came to work. This is what I call one blessed day!

My only personal post... this is just for me!

I had a very trouble childhood. I mean, financially. We were poor. Period. Everytine time dad a regular job, we lived in rented house, just us, the family. Something or the other happens and dad loses his job and we had to go live with my grand mother. It was not a great feeling, grandma was a horrible arrogant woman, and we used to confine ourselves in one small room which I should say measures about a 100 sqft or lesser! Moving out from a rented house, we used to dump all our belongings in that room, cook and sleep there.

Again, dad gets a job and we move out. This cycle repeated itself thrice till I was 16. Dad found a decent job after that and we always lived alone! There was no looking back. Dad, the hard worker that he is took about 6 years from then to build a 3000 sqft house, for us. It was a lavish house, I still wonder how dad managed to build it in six years! The house, our prized possession, built with so much hard work, love and care.

Life is a cycle. Dad went in to a financial crunch and we sold out house. We sold it cause we had problems worth 10% of the cost of the house. Dad and my brother tried their best to hold it, save it from selling. They managed say 8%. I was just as useless as I am today, couldn’t be of much help to them at that point in time. Sold it.

If there is one reason that I really hate myself or feel ashamed is that one thing. I was useless to them at that point in time. I feel bad, and I really miss my house. The joy in building it and buying things… from tiles to furniture’s, fixtures and lightings, selecting the paint, buying a dog…

We lived there for 6 years and we moved out. My dad will not read this blog, I know he would have felt miserable selling that house, his life time achievement. All I could say to him is I’m Sorry! I was just useless! And I could never do anything, anymore to make you feel happy! I really am sorry!
My dog died in 2 moths after we moved out of that house! I am here, still as useless

Show Me The Bed!

I finished work late on friday and came home at 0000 hrs had an early morning flight at o5oo hrs to delhi, which technically woke me up at 0300 hrs, giving 2 hours of sleep... and spent the whole day at a vendors place in Delhi, finished work at 1800 hrs and went out and came back to the hotel at 0100 hrs, and now its 5 in the morning and sitting in the airport waiting for boarding announcement!!!

Its an irritaing eye that I've got here and its an irritating feeling when you dont know if its all worth it!

Movies!

I got my first DVD player in the year 2003 and from 2004 I've been seeing atleast 5 movies a week and now when I go to the DVD rental store or to buy new DVD's I get this weird feeling that I've seel almost all the good movies that could be available in Chennai!

I'm still am tempted to pick Scarface or Pulp Fiction, Layer Cake or Side Ways to watch... when I stand in front of my collections!

I cant Remember when was the last time I really enjoyed a good movie... The Rain Man which I say yesterday can be counted as a very good movie that I saw in the recent times and the previous good one was " The Lives Of The Others" which was some time in August! Its funny because when I started watching movies I picked all the good movies and watched them in a row and every night was a great movie night!

I right now have this DVD Civil Action, in front of me for tonight's viewing... hope its good!

Fight is about to be over!

Nowhere will truth be heard,
Nowhere will light be seen,
While ignorance and arrogance reign,
And greed never looks where it’s been.

Nowhere true love be known,
Nowhere sacrifice be made,
While wealth and power corrupts the weak,
And principles of decency fade.

Nowhere will I belong,
Nowhere will I stay and rest,
While liars win rewards for their words,
And continue to feather their nest.

Their hidden will in disguise,
They know to please, getting down on knees,
I’m spellbound searching through this incorrect,
Now as a coward man, I surrender this fight!

Is It time for YOU?

"The miserable existence of the average slum dweller, which we in India know so well, is novel to the Western viewer..."

Slumdog millionaire... Nan Kadavul... and Arvind Adiga's White Tiger... the stunning correllation is all of them are Poverty porns! The guys who make money out of the poor children by making them beg, to me is as equal as Bala/Boyle hiring these guys and making crores out of them.

People who made these movies are not saints, they did it for business too, and I dont understand the reason why they should be treated like they have shown something great! People who think its social cause are the people who believe that by giving a rupee to the kid begging in the traffic signal is charity and take so much pride doing it! Social cause is doing something to the society and not just exposing it to the society... agian and again and again!

We all know that evil like these exist in every society, we dont need people to expose it to us and make a fortune out of it!

We all knew Dharavi, and the stories behind children begging... its not something new! Reality is is we could only feel bad about it, tell me honestly what can you do? what can we do? sheer nothing... we all have our lives filled with problems and we spend most of our time fighting hardships....

If you deny it, well its time for you do something to the under privledged! get on to the streets now... RIGTH NOW!

Slumdog Millionaire....

Don’t understand the joy… its not an Indian movie… it’s a David Boyle film. It’s a foreign movie receiving foreign awards!

I saw it… Well Didn’t like it much!

Braveheart, Pianist, Schindlers List, Dr. zhivago, The one flew over Cukoos nest, The Deer hunter, The Last Emperor, American Beauty…

And Slumdog follows suit…. Cant understand Academy Awards…

I can’t help but comparing… The one flew over Cukoo’s nest, The Deer Hunter and Slumdog… LMAO!

Money Is....

EVERYTHING...Period.

The greatest misery of life is to acquire troubles based on money and to struggle wherein every other part of your life is just as perfect!

A few simple mistakes and a lil bit of laziness for a prolonged period can actually put you through to hell.

My Right Foot!

Some have dimples in their cheeks, some have twinkles in their eyes; some have a nose so sharp and straight, some have a smile so sweet and bright. Some have very soft silky mane, some have a very smart brain; and some have got some extra height that let them see a lot ahead.

Some are good at sport while some are good at art; some are good the way they are with a golden heart. Some have visions, some have missions to mark them out from the lot. A guiding star, a good luck charm, a guardian angel, a magic spell.....! Some have the music in their words while some have the Midas' touch!

A happy family, a lot of riches, a peaceful home, an easy job, a friendly boss, a damn good spouse, a very bright son, a loyal friend, a helpful maid, a faithful dog, a dashing car, a brand new watch......! something's there for everyone. But, all I have is my ready right foot, so I will go and find them all !!