Let it kill you!

don't try
unless the fire in you is
bringing you to ashes,
don't try

yet
don't believe
what they say

"when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by itself"

there is no other way.
and there never was
any other

Try!

... and the greatest of all them is!

It has been an interesting last two years with many many ups and downs and some even sideways. All culminating into massive life changes, people coming and going. 

Things ever evolving. Life changes. Shine on.

When you least expect it, it arrives.

Hope!

Tomorrow!

Sometimes I 

Fold the laptop screen

Get off work in the evening

And i think,
I'm not going to make it,

but I laugh inside

Rembering all the times

I've felt that way

and

There is always this

Place where I

Stop for a cigarette

And feed the stray dogs

I sure wouldn't believe

Then

If you would've

Told me

That I will slide

Out of reverse

Into drive

like millions of othrs

To enter

The arena once more.

Good morning

Tomorrow!

A Grief For One Removed!

Laying down so long,
Time to cut it down strong,
The memory shalt remain...
The beginning for a better things
Let it come down like the rains,
Like the tears to the dust,
Let there be no more dark,
No more of head in my hands,
No more to feel like falling sand.
A day break on my face, daylight.
The ropes to be pulled tight.
I am back up for the good's
I look at this raging fire,
It shall light me up…
and it shall...

Bang! The Crash!

Lose Early, Lose Fast!

In a previous life when I lost being a publisher, I re started and was hired as an old and bright new salesman – smart and hard-working, well-prepared for presentations, and so on. Course of the months, my pipeline looked absolutely fantastic at the beginning of each month, making it seem as if all upcoming months were about to be great for sales.

After a while, however, I realized I was having challenges. I would begin a month with 10 great leads, but by the end of that month most of them wouldn’t have moved one bit along my pipeline. So what was the problem? I discovered that I was getting the“we’re still thinking about it” treatment.

Patto, a man I would be forever indebted for all the knowledge, had a way of mentoring and teaching me things.

He let me loose and lose and would pitch in with what it is and what it takes to be what it is and would keep the conversation open. I changed my tactics and asked my prospects whether they were ready to place an order that month, I found that only one was willing to purchase.

Moral of the story? I got better at losing, I got far better at winning.

Luckily, I learnt.

Hungover!!!

A party that went on
close to the dawn
Sandy turned 16
Thanks!

I sit here on the 9th floor
hunched over in the same black T-ees
still pretending to be
working
some damned audacity.

At 37,
my brain cells eaten
away by
life.

Rows of books
in front of me,
I scratch my messy
hair
and search for the
words.

I mince back again
over the various debris
thinking,
maybe I'll work tonight,
Deadlines,
some seem
to be closing in

my hands sink into the
keyboard
of my
Pandora machine,

I can't let
go, I tell

sitting here
on this on the 9th floor
hunched over in the same black T-ees
still pretending to be
working

From the Balcony

from my balcony
I watch
4 dogs

skippy, fudgy
blackie and spottie
siting around the pond
below

skippy runs
away.
then
spottie.

two are left
then
they too
are gone.

overthinking
makes you
numb

and I am
reduced to dog
watching.

just thought I'd
let you
know!

Those poor man's shoes!

You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes...

This one I picked up 3 years ago... I've worn some really fancy shoes... Expensive shoes... This one is 649 INR...

Right after I was able to walk after my accident... When I was ready for work... When I had a sales meeting the following day... I realized I didn't have shoes...my aldo went with the crash... I was broke and really couldn't afford one.. Called a few friends to see if I could borrow one... Size and attitude were problems... So I walked across the road with pinky and picked these... The plan was simple... Pick up whatever is the cheapest...

649 INR... I was disheartened... I felt odd that I couldn't afford shoes... I have to let it go now...its old and has gave away at many a place...Yet I feel odd to let it go now... I've never lost a deal wearing them... A few glimpse of memory for the day that I picked it... One day in my life I couldn't afford a shoe... yet me and pinky stood strong!

I'm happy where ever I am now...

Rainy days and Loved ones

deluding
gathering thoughts
Like leaves scattering 
in these rainy winds

To hold back
my neighing heart
With that much
loved forlorn look?

I hate
what you do to me,
to simplify me
The way you
sit beside
my yearning self

But
isn't this love,
the Holy Grail
Of love

The journey
Has just begin
I'm now
supposed to drink.

Yup!

Ah! The pains of Tumor!

Chronic pains / of the unwell sheep
Piles of Tramadols / popped from their shells
Thrown down / tired throat accepts
Hallucinations /
Of bloated carcass / of flying moths / of sewage flies
sometimes my brain / grazes there too
inbetween the grazes
You better yet? / is the endless question
Yes, is the lie.

Cancer Cures!

ready
ready

now
lighting more cigarettes
pouring new
drinks

it has been a beautiful
things of the past

there shall
be a fight
there shall
be battles!

ready
ready

Note to thee my friends!

The past
Lead to this point,
Where all dreams,
Intermediate and distant
Comes into question.

Fact of impermanence,
Of changeability,
Of death

Becomes stark,
Real and unavoidable.

So many unknowns,
Of outcomes,
Of specialized tests
Of more results
Of direction

These are days
Of larger “disappointments”
Of uninvited transitions
Of deep sadness.

These are days
Of "waiting"

Few weeks down,
Few more to go!

Interim,
Thanks Sid and KKM,
Pinks and Dad...
For love
For support
For everything

The absurdity!

"No"
I'm aware
Of the absurdity
Of the entire situation,
Yet
I force myself
To ignore
To step forward.
"It ain't easy
Yet
It cant stop me as well

I have made decisions
About my own mind...

Ode to the Cancer!

The past
Lead to this point,
Where all dreams, 
Intermediate and distant
Comes into question.

Fact of impermanence,
Of changeability,
Of death

Becomes stark,
Real and unavoidable.

So many unknowns,
Of outcomes,
Of specialized tests
Of more results
Of direction

These are days
Of larger “disappointments”
Of uninvited transitions
Of deep sadness.

These are days
Of "waiting"

Few weeks down,
Few more to go!

Suit Yourself!

The love!

The Boundless Joy Experiment has (over now) taken my soul wayyyyy out of myself. Now I got to get used to the hard time for a long time "perks of being true" but here I am. No fucks given. All the joy revelled in. Great days had been lived. WOW! I won't say it's completely switched off, but this horrendous feeling... it's definitely a LOT more tougher than it has been before.

And all I care about really is that progress. It suits me fine.

Hope you had a great day!

The Next Great Thing!

Carrying this human body, with its big old brain and raging passion can be maddening sometimes. And through mindfulness is how we can discover a new thought, person or soul in each and every moment of our lives.

The "next great thing" is happening right now. I'm going and getting it!

Have a super week guys!

To Bukowski!

I still remember the first time I'd read Bukowski - it's not something you just forget. The man had poured his heart and soul out onto the paper with his skills, flaws and everything in between, in a way that no one has had the courage to do either before or since...

I got introduced to Bukowski, Lou reed and Andy Warhol at the same time .. it's been overwhelming since then...

Ode to my Faith

I wait
Everyday at
Different 
Fancy
Hospitals

Amongst the fortunate
Amongst the less fortunate

For the gods
Pissed a rain of
Reasons known
Not to me

No
I won't go on my knees
I won't pray for LIGHT,
I wont pray for l*i*g*h*t,
And crawl like a blind
Slug into the
Web

And I rather die of pity
Being Man, being myself,
On a cross without nails,
Than
Watching in fear his
Divine antiques

Melancholy is Peculiar!

Sometimes I wake up too early on a holiday with that melancholy mood and thats when I sit down with myself, to write or try to read.

There is a feeling that when all the business, in the sense of busy-ness, is taken away, when completely alone, there is really nothing there. There is no voice to talk to amongst myself.

There is nothing within to make me smile or push me forward. Strange, considering that looking on I'm sure it looks that I'm an entirely sensible, well-travelled, well-educated(ish) kind of person. It's hard to really understand that however I feel at this moment isn't how I always felt, and it isn't how you will always feel; that even in ten minutes time someone may come into the room and I will have completely changed course.

Not in an insincere way, not that I am trying to seem like a cheery amenable person. Just that I only exist when someone is there. Even now it doesn't seem reasonable to have had all the thoughts that have led to these words without any conscious conversation, just with them spilling out from some void.

It really is peculiar.

Ode to the Western Ghats

This in the middle of the ghats 
The roads lesser taken
And there, 
Curled up inside are the mows
The herd of cows
I stop by,
Looking at them walk past
Around them, the sleepy fields
Some marsh
Some rocks
A travellers dream
The feilds and the forest
With their beautiful monotony
Its takes a life time to learn
What people love
What people wish
What designs of life!

Stuffed in bottles!

My earlier blog and this commentless status wall is pretty much an exercise where I stuffed notes in bottles and threw them into a vast ocean, where I hoped someone would find the bottle and read the note. But that's not really what I was doing. I wasn't stuffing notes in bottles. I was standing on the shore and shouting frantically for rescue. People came. I was rescued. And I will always appreciate that fact.

I write because I was convinced I had to write it: that seems to me a good enough reason.

It’s not my fault it didn't cause such an uproar.

When I look back at everything, its all finished, it has passed. The year is no more. I am alive. I breathe, and I moved on, so I live. Whatever ordeals are yet to come, I am alive. It will be seen, Its that clear!

Ode to the beans!

O font of joy! O blessed bean!
O catalyst to dopamine!
No day shall pass when I shall not,
gaze fondly at that bubbling pot.

I pour myself a mug of you,
O coffee, truly wondrous brew!
Tea cannot stand up next to thee,
O steaming mug of black coffee!

Good Morning!

of winding streets
of agony
of confusion
of horror
of fear
of ignorance
of Charles Bukowski

Tacenda!

Sweaty
Beyond sweaty

Sultry

Realized
Am farther away
from home
than wanted

Yet
The thoughts
All the way...

Tacenda!

There had been finer days!

It had been raining for days, stuck at home and looking out of the window, I realized its not going to clear up. There were puddles everywhere, I chose to drive out, cause I like watching puddles gather rain and the rain coming through the half-open windows of my car.

The road passed a number of little settlements and hamlets...

By now the rain had stopped...

Stepping out, I walked along a footpath that led away from the road, among the trees and into the open meadows. The air was still and cold, and it was surprisingly silent; there were not the usual cows with their bells.

I'm glad I've had such fine days!

Love thee Lou!

See, there's the whole picture as to why Lou Reed is so precious. Happiness intermingles with self-loathing and that's a Lou Reed moment. It eventually leads to freedom dependency. Let's say rage bubbling through tenderness.

It must have took a lot of discipline from Lou to put all of this into each and every song, a determination to not soften into earnestness(Ed Sheeran, sighs!) or excuse the hard stuff in the name of romance (Ed Sheeran types again, sighs)

All the art Lou has left me will continue to help me and learn to do that too, some day.

There is always beauty in ugliness.

The Indie Rock for Soul!

I am hard rock guy and surprisingly for my taste, I've been following way too much of these indie bands. I show up to their gigs, chit chat with them and I like it. Tlt, Agam, Avial, Blues concious to name a few. I really like what they make.

I'm kind of off late have been taken to banter by a few, making me look like a groupie kinds.

A few beers down (to mention it was a super Indian Belgian Wit... the white owl, Spark)

"What the Heck man!”

I love Rock, I love my music and “ I am not a groupie... I am like the Band Aid!” and I smirked. Ms Penny Lane’s words from Almost Famous brought that smirk.

“Or maybe I should be from The Creem magazine.”

It’s amazing how a movie I loved, seemed to provide the perfect words to what I was feeling just then.

I turned around and looked at everyone.

“Didn’t we just watch a good show?”

Everyone seem to agree that we had.

“And won’t I continue to support the bands I love despite becoming too old to be cool”

Yet, it's never too old to rock and roll, but too young to die within!

I met bach!

Having rasied profound questions worth introspecting, I proceed to listen to this, that answers to question myself, chiding myself for making mistakes and apologizing to my own! I don't want to move on to the next track, I will allow myself to to indulge through assumptions... of what they spoke!

Let me understand this by my assumption's logical growth. Each line answers the previous line.

This is how deep a sultry 5am summer morning can get!

In My Tree

I love the idea
of seeing the ground below
from up high in a tree-
like seeking refuge
like seeing where others cant
where nobody can touch you
where nothing disturbs you
the media, the news,
the things in society
that are so absurd,
which you long
to get away from-
its a beautiful experience
being up high
but it is also extremely lonely;

and then there are some
that would probably protest
Saying that trees were never meant to be climbed!

Chameleon Days!

We are 
Food for worms
Figurative
I've seen enough.
"computer turn off"

The Yearning!

Late at night,
the stars shimmer.
In some distant forest,
wolves cry.
And somewhere else at day,
the cattle graze.

that who never knew a vineyard
or walked through the pines,
never knew the joy of life,
the way of illusion.

at that moment appears-
man’s eternal yearning.

Find my bearings!

Oh! It's still a fight...

To find my bearings with it
This house is big, life.

With
The borrowed belongings.

I don't tread on the stairs
Without ensuring I have landed.

My eyes are still searching
For the hidden corners.

Still getting accustomed
To the lights
and shadows...

Oh! It's still a fight!

Second Hand Memories

My dad's
second hand bicycle
which once
was polished and oiled
ever other week
stood rusty
in the front porch
for 6 years till
he decided to sell it off

It was my favorite.
I’ve never had a bicycle since.

The Last Mile

I
Know
I
was thrashed down
Years ago
in some street
in another
land...

I
stop here
smoking
a cigarette...
Smoke break!!

I
Drove
500 miles
Today...

I
still have
the last
mile!!